Vengeful Cooking

I got into a fairly massive argument with my sister today in which she kindly insinuated that I was overweight (which meant a lot coming from her 8 stone self) and that if/when I had children it would be akin to child abuse to feed them my cooking because of how unhealthy and disgusting it is.

Firstly, my cooking is not unhealthy. I’m vegetarian and eat a lot of vegetables. Okay, it’s not that unhealthy. Also I am a good cook. I have hosted dinner parties!

Secondly, my sister really, genuinely does not grasp why someone would want to live on food that makes them happy rather than just existing on lettuce.

So I made dinner for the pair of us in the most passive-aggressive manner possible because I am a mature adult who doesn’t resort to pouring glasses of water of people’s heads. (That being my mother’s speciality bizarrely.)

Fuck-You-I’m-Happy Pastabake

Ingredients:  Some Pasta (you can pick which shape you like), vegetarian hot dogs (I used Sainsbury’s but any supermarket brand will do. Just don’t use the Quorn ones, they’ve got a really weird skin on them), tomatoes (tinned or fresh), thyme, soy sauce, pepper, onion, garlic (I used puree, but if you’ve got fresh go for it), tomato puree, sugar,  olives, cheese (liberal).

  1. Set a pan of water on the stove to boil. Turn on stove. Add frozen hot dogs to cold water, thus cooking the weird wobbly sausages whilst heating the pasta water.
  2. Add garlic, tomato puree and onion to a frying pan with some olive oil. Heat slowly so that the onion goes translucent rather than crispy. Wonder when you started describing onion as translucent.
  3. Once onion has achieved a state which could reasonably be used for some kind of window, add your tomatoes, chopped. Or in today’s case add a tin of plum tomatoes whilst cursing the unpreparedness of your own larder. Jab at angrily with a spoon.
  4. Add sugar and thyme.
  5. Leave to simmer. Like your temper you should try not to let it boil over.
  6. By this point, your water should be boiling and your hot dogs floating, signalling that they’re done. Remove hot dogs with spoon and exchange for dried pasta.
  7. Chop hot dogs into pieces. Chop olives into pieces.
  8. Resist the urge to fly off the handle as your sister cleans passive aggressively around you and makes snippy comments.
  9. Do not lose your temper. The last time you did that you broke a spatula.
  10. By the time you’ve finished repressing your emotions the sauce should have thickened. Add a dash of soy sauce, chopped olives and the hot dog pieces. Turn heat down low.
  11. When pasta is cooked add it to an oven dish thing. Casserole dish? Truth be told I don’t know what a casserole is, it’s just something American’s seem to have a lot on television.
  12. Grate cheese and stir into pasta. Stir in red sauce.
  13. Add more grated cheese on top. Ignore judgemental glaring from sister.
  14. Put in heated oven until crispy.

Serve with garlic bread and eat whilst watching Ant Man at the kitchen table and deliberately ignoring your sister who had elected to eat dinner sitting on the counter top directly in your blind spot, because she knows it drives you insane.

Keep ignoring her as she makes a show of flicking bits into the food recycling despite the long, pious and ultimately hypocritical lecture she gave you on food wastage.